The truth is that you can be more, be better, do greater things than you believe possible.  All it takes is a little belief (don’t worry that will come) and a lot of work (I didn’t say it would just happen).

Anyone can be average.  At school I was one of the ‘could do better’ children.  I didn’t believe in myself so no-one else had cause to either.  During my journey through school I met two amazing teachers who showed a lot of belief in me, and that made me believe in myself too.  One day I realised that I was worth more.  That applies to you too.

I heard about someone who was suffering depression recently.  She was trying to re-tile her bathroom.  It seemed an enormous task and every time she went in to start working on it she walked out having done nothing.  It just seemed too big – too much.  Then her counsellor asked her if she could manage to put up one tile a day.  She thought about it and realised that she could probably manage to do one at a time.  It might take a while but she would get it done eventually.   So she started – one a day.  She found that some days she could do more than one.  She had no pressure to do more but she would put several tiles up.  On a bad day she just did one and was able to walk away.  It took her less time in the end than she had spent feeling she needed to do it all in one go and putting it off.  She had taken away that overwhelming burden and allowed herself some flexibility.  And oh – the sense of achievement whan it was finished.

Sometimes we have a task in front of us which makes us feel paralysed.  It’s too big.  There are two words it is worth keeping in your head.  ‘Do something’.  It doesn’t matter how little the something is.  Doing a little bit each day keeps you getting nearer to your goal.  The closer you get the more inspired you are to finish.  Little goals add up and in time you get there.

It’s easy to fail by just not doing anything.  Today, whatever your goal or task, take one little step.  Do another little step tomorrow.  You will get there and you will feel so proud when you do.

If this is something you do, does it mean that you are still allowing your ex to have an element of control over your life.  If he is in your head all the time is he the benchmark for a new relationship?

Abusive people give off signs, which you can learn to look out for.  Something that you probably know about yourself is that you put your trust in people before really getting to know them.  You look for the best in people and excuse the things that might give you a clue that all is not as it seems.

How can you break this cycle and change this pattern?  Here are some ideas:

• Take new relationships slowly.  This gives you time to really get to know each other and if there is any abuse in their behaviour it will show before too long.
• If a new partner does something that makes you feel uncomfortable write it down.  Be careful of keeping things where a potential abuser might find them.  If a pattern starts to emerge and you have recorded it you will be less likely to make excuses for it.
• Listen to what they say about previous partners.  If they constantly go on about how they were treated badly, or let down, that may mean that one day they will be talking about you like this.
• How do they talk about other people and relationships?  Abusers are often people blamers – everything that goes wrong in their lives is someone else’s fault.  If he speaks about everyone with contempt it is a sign that possibly this is their life pattern.
• Notice how often and how easily they become angry.
• Has he got a good relationship with his family?  Beware if it’s broken down of if he has a very dominant mother.
• Does he have children?  If he does, has he kept a good relationship with them?  If he hasn’t that might be for good reason and is certainly something to explore further.
• Does he have an addiction – drugs, alcohol, gambling or spending money he hasn’t got on things he doesn’t need?  You will always come second to it.
• Has he a history of violent behaviour?  Has anyone tried to warn you about him?  This could mean that you will be the next punchbag.

If you want to find out more, and build your confidence and self esteem, why not check out our groups.  You can often begin with building up yourself and your own life, and then when a new relationship does come along, you will be in a better place and much more ready to enjoy and love.  It all starts with you.

Click on the following link by the end of March to give Pathway a chance!

www.directdebit.co.uk/TheBigBreak/100GoodCauses/Pages/CauseDetail.aspx?CauseId=207

Here’s one that provides the opportunity to work with other people to get a good deal on your energy bills.

Cheaper Energy Together is a partnership of not for profit organisations and public sector organisations dedicated to helping people save money and energy. Our collective energy switches are about people registering on our site so we can negotiate together for a better deal from energy suppliers.

https://www.cheaperenergytogether.org/how-it-works/

Share this link and if you want to use it yourself that is great.  If enough people apply it puts a lot of pressure on energy companies to come up with a compelling reason for them all to switch to them.

Yesterday we had a very busy day when the Family Justice Centre had an Open Day called Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.  This was not a coincidence – linking it to Valentine’s Day.  Sadly for people suffering abuse there is no special day off and the violence and abuse can erupt on any day of the year.  We welcomed many visitors who work with domestic and sexual abuse and wanted to find out more about what we have to offer.

Following on from that we have had our Friday group.  We love Fridays.  The building buzzes with activity, often with laughter and occasionally there are tears but they are generally healing tears.  This morning the women collected items they had painted last week and it was impressive to see so much talent in our group.  The children settled into the crèche and the women had a very creative budgeting session which helped them to find ways to make their money stretch – a challenge for all of us at the moment.

At the same time we had our counselling assessments happening in a quiet room upstairs.  People needing some therapeutic help met with our Senior Counsellor and were assessed for the right support with the most suitable counsellor for them.  Women attending meetings with any of our staff or placements go into meetings looking stressed and scared but come out looking as if a weight has been lifted which is a joy to see.  One of the refuge staff came to find clothing for a family who have moved in and have nothing at all with them.  Sadly that is not uncommon.

Our Floating Support Workers were out and about meeting people in their homes where that is safe, or meeting them here when it is not.  The feedback we get is always very positive and one of the workers was told today that she had really made a difference, and although it was her job to do that it was so much more.  The woman felt that she been treated with real care and was valued.  That is what we aim to do but always lovely to hear it.

Tonight some of our workers are going out with police officers on an operation to try to encourage people who are have had multiple police call-outs to get some help.   We hope that people will see that they can get help without losing their control or choices.  There may come a point at which that isn’t the case and things may escalate rapidly.  We hope to support people to help themselves.  Whilst that is a scary thing to do our staff are so easy to talk to that we hope meeting them will make the difference.

So just another day.  Meanwhile there is a lot of work in the background doing all of the administrative work, booking appointments, supporting 7 families so far on the helpline and doing all of the things that keep us making a difference.  The work doesn’t stop when the day staff go home, and it doesn’t stop for the weekend.  We will be working throughout the night and tomorrow is another day for us.  But every day we have the privilege of sharing people’s lives and making a difference.  What a great job!

I talk to a lot of women at all stages of their journey through abusive relationships.  Almost all of them spend longer in the relationship than they would have chosen because they are so afraid of what will happen if they leave.  I asked my staff for some of the most common reasons that people give for staying and we have turned them into a sort of Frequently Asked Questions section which I hope that you will find useful.

Q         I will be homeless if I leave my partner.  We have a mortgage on our home and if I walk out won’t I lose everything?

A          Depending on your situation there are things that you can do which could help you to stay in your home.  If you are being threatened and feel afraid you may be able to get an Occupation Order to secure the property.  If you can afford the mortgage repayments this is an option.  If you are on certain benefits you may also be able to get help with the mortgage interest, even if the mortgage is in joint names, if your partner refuses to pay.

Q         I love my partner.  I keep hoping he will change.  I probably deserve it anyway.  My mum was in refuges when we were little.  Maybe I am doing something wrong.

A          Love is not something that is part of an abusive relationship – ever.  If someone loves you they will treat you with respect.  No-one deserves abuse.  Your mum didn’t deserve it and neither do you.  It is hard to walk away from someone you love but you will never find the loving relationship that you deserve while you stay with someone who treats you badly.

Q         If I leave then it feels like he’s won.  He gets to keep his life while mine has to change completely and me and the kids lose everything.

A          There are no winners in this relationship.  If you walk away he may get to stay in the house, but it will not be a home without you and you will still be entitled to equity from the property if you have bought or mortgaged it.  You won’t be losing – you will be making a positive choice to make a better life and that can only be win / win for you and your children.

Q         I am really scared of being on my own.  I don’t think I will cope without him.

A          Any change is frightening and this is a big change.  For the first few weeks you will feel uncomfortable and perhaps lonely, but as your confidence starts to build you will feel really proud of yourself for what you are doing.  The Hope Centre is open every weekday and you can sign up for our groups and find other ways of filling your time so that the loneliness isn’t such a big deal.  You will soon make the new friends you haven’t been allowed before.

Q         If I do leave and need somewhere to live happens?  I can’t afford to buy a home on my own.

A          If you need to be re-housed and you have left because of violence or the fear of violence, then you will be able to apply for social housing through your council or local housing associations.  Rents are often more affordable than mortgage payments and you may be entitled to claim Housing Benefit if you are claiming certain welfare benefits.

Q         I don’t have a job, no savings and I don’t know how I can live if I leave.

A          At Pathway Project we will help you to draw up a plan and find out what benefits you will be entitled to.  We can work with you, the Job Centre, and other organisations to tell you exactly what money you will have if you leave.  It is a clean page and you might want to look at whether you would like to go to college, do voluntary work or find paid employment.  We can help you to have all the information you need to make that decision.

Q         If I stay I know what my life is going to be like.  If I leave it is like a big black hole.  I am really scared of not knowing what is going to happen.

A          If you stay you will probably be asking the same question next year, the year after, in 10 years time, for the rest of your life.  Knowing that life will stay the same or might even get worse, is no reason for staying.  Ask women who attend our groups and have made that decision.  Some will have stayed in that relationship for years but I am sure that they would say to you – ‘Go for it.  You deserve a better life, so start it today.’

Q         We have a lot of debts.  There are credit cards, a car loan, a second mortgage and store cards.  They are too much for me to pay but they are in joint names, some are even just in my name.  He is able to pay them but he won’t if I leave.

A          Pathway will help you to deal with these debts but the sooner the better.  Every day you delay gets you deeper into debt as the interest accumulates.  We can speak to your creditors and help you to draw up budget plans and if the debts are really large we can help you get more specialised advice, free, and maybe even wipe out some of the debts thorugh a debt relief order if debts total £15,000 or less.  You may need to consider an IVA or bankruptcy.  They are not the end of the world and allow you to make a fresh start.  Delaying only adds to the problem, and to the debt.

Q         I tried to leave before and the children were really distraught.  They lost their daddy, had to go to different schools, and couldn’t see their friends.  I went back for them.  He is a good dad but he is frightening me with his behaviour and his threats.

A           Part of being a good dad is treating the children’s mother with respect.  I wonder how much of the wanting dad was really about missing home, school and friends?  If you need to leave because you are afraid we can help you to arrange for the children to see dad, safely.  This may be through friends or family or even at a contact centre.  If you are frightened, and you say you are, then the children will feel that and will be affected by it.  Living together unhappily is not going to help your children.

If you have more questions that we haven’t covered please e-mail them to talktoeve and we will make sure that you get a response back.  We are here to help you.

 Starting a new year is like having a blank page in front of you.  Sometimes though, you weren’t expecting to be starting the new year on your own, and even if you chose that you can still feel really lonely.

I can still remember the pain of being alone.  It seemed to go on forever, but it did stop and life did get better.  There are things you can do to feel better and stronger now.  Strangely none of them involve throwing yourself into a new relationship.  They are not ways that involve anyone else.  They are all about you.

The worst thing is standing on the brink of a new year feeling like life is over.  It isn’t.  Your life never depended on someone else.  That thought was the brainwashing that happened listening to ‘You’ll never find anyone else’.  ‘You can’t manage by yourself’.  ‘You’re nothing without me’.

Actually the strongest person in that relationship was probably you.  The brainwashing proves that.  It was a desperate attempt to keep you.  Who kept the emotions on an even keel?  Who managed the money?  Who looked after the children?  You probably contributed far more than you realise.

Helen Keller said, ‘When one door of happiness closes, another opens;  but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.’  Helen Keller experienced a lot of pain and hardship so she really knew what she was talking about.

Are you spending so much time looking at the closed door of the relationship that there is no space for new opportunities to open up?  Look around you, see what else is going on in the world.

We can always find reasons to think life is over – your age?  Well you are never going to be younger than you are now.  Trusting someone?  You need to go slowly and start recovering first.

You need to build your life – one brick at a time.  Each brick you place will take you one step closer and make you one step stronger.  Remember you can do it – you have nothing to prove.  Enjoy the journey.